No, I didn’t just rewatch all these goddamn things. This is simply my memory of each one.

CHILDREN OF THE CORN — First time I saw this was at a religious sleepover camp in a church basement. Because of where I was, and the fact that I was surrounded by girls I was really sexually attracted to, it was both more way effective and more enjoyable than it should have been. However, that creepy Isaac guy and the red-head with the raspy voice have stuck with me through the years.

CHILDREN OF THE CORN II: THE FINAL SACRIFICE — Nowhere near the final sacrifice as it turns out, this is my favorite of all the movies. That’s not to say it’s good. But it does have a lot of funny references (subtle, not like a modern “parody” picture) to other movies, including The Wizard of Oz, and a lot of old ladies are killed in rather creative fashion.

CHILDREN OF THE CORN III: URBAN HARVEST — This is the most hilarious of the bunch, with these Amish looking kids moving into the city and growing corn in their yard and I’m pretty sure a giant monster bursts out of the corn at the end. I like monsters.

CHILDREN OF THE CORN IV: THE GATHERING — I don’t remember a damn thing about this movie, and I own a copy. I imagine there is some sort of gathering.

CHILDREN OF THE CORN V: FIELDS OF TERROR — I’m pretty sure Eva Mendes is in this one and at the ends she falls into a silo. And I’m pretty sure I didn’t understand why she didn’t get naked the first time I saw it given that it’s an exploitation movie and she was noboby at the time. But, well…Training Day. She waited to exploit herself for the big money.

CHILDREN OF THE CORN 666: ISAAC’S RETURN — I think I liked this one because it was cool to see the Isaac guy all “grown up.” Although it pisses me off that the redhead guy from the first one can’t come back,too, for his own movie.

CHILDREN OF THE CORN: REVELATION — They stopped counting at this point. Michael Ironside was in this, and I remember thinking he was phoning it in. Which is saying a lot in regard to that guy. I think there was some lonely apartment building in the middle of nowhere next to a cornfield that was haunted but I’m pretty sure it amounted to nothing.

CHILDREN OF THE CORN — Ah, yes, even this franchise gets a reboot/re-imagining/whatever the hell you call it. This was produced for the SyFy Channel, but spawned no SyFy Channel sequels. How do you fail on the SyFy channel? They probably should have come up for a reason to have the Sharktopus in the corn. Sharktocornopus.