What it says on the back of the Blu-ray case:
From the director of Die Hard comes this high-octane thriller that “roars along at a…breakneck pace” (Los Angeles Times)! Starring Chris Klein (American Pie), Jean Reno (Ronin), LL Cool J (Charlie’s Angels), and Rebecca Romijn-Stamos (X-men), Rollerball goes full-throttle from its death-defying opening until its explosive end!
Jonathan Cross (Klein) is the newest recruit in the most extreme sport of all time…where his fast moves and killer looks make him an instant superstar. But when he learns that the league’s owner (Reno) is orchestrating serious on-court “accidents” to boost ratings, Cross plans to take down the owner and his ruthless sport…before the game puts an end to him!
What it would say if marketing blurbs told the truth because they weren’t interested in making any money which is a silly concept:
From the director of Die Hard (and Predator which was awesome, but you know, we don’t think we’ll bring up The Last Action Hero or Basic or even the Die Hard sequel he did, because that might turn you off, although The 13th Warrior was kind of fun for what it was) comes this high-octane (we didn’t bother to actually watch the movie, but we assume since it is set in the future that roller skates work on gasoline) thriller that “roars along at a…breakneck pace” (Los Angeles Times is responsible for this quote, and they made it really easy to remove negative words with an ellipsis because the reviewer was sleeping with Chris Klein at the time but wanted to maintain his journalistic integrity, at least in his own mind)! Starring Chris Klein (American Pie, that movie where some kid fucks a pie), Jean Reno (Ronin which is a movie that has Robert Deniro who was in The Godfather Part II, the original of which had James Caan who was also in the original version of this thing but that level of talent came no where near this production), LL Cool J (his mother will knock me out if I make fun of him in these parentheses), and Rebecca Romijn-Stamos (woops, that’s dated…she’s married to Jerry O’Connell now…clearly she relishes the company of men that challenge her intellect), Rollerball is clearly a movie you bought at a two-for-one special on Amazon and you probably paired it with something as equally undeserving of a Blu-ray release like The Arrival with Charlie Sheen (it was probably a clerical error on the part of an intern that gave these films this kind of treatment) but as Dennis Miller said prior to 9/11 at which point he became a crazed right-winger and simultaneously stopped being funny, “Two of shit, is shit!”
Jonathan Cross (Klein) is the newest recruit in the most extreme sport of all time…rollerskating! (Wait…what?) We’re not sure why we cast Klein to be honest, unless maybe at the time the trades erred and said he was on the way to becoming an instant superstar. He doesn’t quite fill the shoes of James Caan, though. You might consider watching the hard-edged but equally silly original instead, which took at least a decade to become dated unlike the six months of sitting on the shelf it took for this one before it got a begrudging theatrical release. Although the original didn’t have Rebecca Romijn’s naked boobs like in this R-rated version of the remake. (Isn’t it cool in The Arrival when Ron Silver sprouts those weird alien legs that bend in the wrong direction?)