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Movie Commentaries

Commentary #18 – The Reaping (2007)

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Having secured the coveted early spring release window, one would have thought 2007’s The Reaping would have become an instant classic. I mean, you’ve got a gritty biblical horror starring Academy-award winning actress Hilary Swank who last wowed audiences in 2004’s “The Bourne Supremacy” – what could go wrong? One thing is for sure: if you travel to a small southern town to debunk biblical plagues, stay away from the mumbly Liam Neeson-Elvis guy and all small blonde girls who are probably possessed by the devil. Or just have really bad ADD or something. What hath God wrought? Boredom. (IMDb)

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Movie Commentaries

Commentary #17 – Torque (2004)

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Combining the subtle nuances of “The Fast And The Furious” with the drum-tight structure of “Timerider”, Torque feels much longer than it’s running time of 84 minutes. Some people might consider that quality filmmaking – others might use it to interrorgate enemy combatants in secret prisons. Either way, Torque’s timeless message is clear: motorcycles are, like, cool and stuff! Radical! (IMDb)

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Movie Commentaries

Commentary #16 – Audition (1999)

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Holding a fake movie audition in order to find a new wife seems reasonable enough – I mean, how else are you supposed to meet women? MySpace? Unfortunately for the Film Pigs, our guy forgets the cardinal rule of dating: Never pick up the girl with fetishes for needles, piano wire, and keeping mutilated guys in a big sack. Happy endings: 0. Puke in dog dish: 1. (IMDb)

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Movie Commentaries

Commentary #15 – Crank (2006)

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Crank is quite possibly the best movie ever made about a guy injected with a lethal dose of poison who goes on a rampage against his enemies but takes time out to bang Amy Smart in front of a crowd in Chinatown before falling to his death out of a helicopter. No one with any sense of moral decency or concern over the decline of our civilization should see this movie. It is that awesome. Girls in plastic bubbles: at least 3. Redeeming qualities: 0. (IMDb)

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Movie Commentaries

Commentary #14 – Invasion U.S.A. (1985)

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It’s beginning to look a lot like Norris! The Film Pigs celebrate the season with the festive holiday picture “Invasion U.S.A.” With the fierce demeanor of an indifferent koala, Chuck Norris saves America from the poorly-thought-out machinations of a Soviet terrorist and his band of extras from “The Warriors” with an empty, massive-stroke-like gaze and at least two kicks thrown by Norris himself. Once again, Chuck reaffirms the open-button shirt tucked neatly into your pants that is Freedom and the dense thicket of beard of Liberty for us all. Plus, holiday well-wishes to our fans. (IMDb)

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Movie Commentaries

Commentary #13 – Silent Hill (2006)

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What Halloween would be complete without an awkward video-game-to-movie translation? Watch in horror as a concerned mother deals with her child’s terrible nightmares about a town called “Silent Hill” by putting her daughter in the car and maniacally crashing it into a town called “Silent Hill.” For some reason, this makes the child run away from her mother, seeking comfort from the town’s compliment of shambling ash babies. 2 hour movie. 20 minute expository ending. 5 minutes of good gore. 1 Strippercop. PLUS, guest commentator Pamela Ribon delays a very important phone call to join us in anticipation of Scary Cakes! (IMDb)

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