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Movie Commentaries

Commentary #24 – 10,000 BC (2008)

Audio 6 Comments
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At the dawn of human civilization, there was this guy who hunted giant cartoon mastodons, was chased by prehistoric man-eating ostriches, and totally fucked up this pyramid. He did this because some other guys kidnapped his girlfriend…and the guy who owned the pyramid made everybody think he was a god or something…a disembodied Omar Sharif kept talking every now and then…

Okay, this movie is stupid, even for a premise that abandons at the first frame any thought of possibly trying to be somewhat in the neighborhood of historically accurate. Even worse, it is boring. Mind-numbingly boring. Somehow, a movie that has computer generated mastodons, saber-toothed tigers, and killer ostriches is so dull it makes you pine for an auto accident-induced coma. Who would have figured that the creative genius behind Independence Day and Eight Legged Freaks was Dean Devlin? For shame, Roland Emmerich. For shame. (IMDb)

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: Start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie.

Movie Commentaries

Commentary #23 – Bratz (2007)

Audio 5 Comments
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It started out as a simple joke. A ribald suggestion that three grown men sit through a movie clearly assembled by soulless corporate executives for tween girls and their sexually frustrated fathers. What followed was an hour and forty minutes of Technicolor horror brighter than the light of a thousand exploding suns. Plus, Jon Voight in a prosthetic nose. For no reason! No reason! It’s understandable doing some marketing-driven junk movie if you’re donating the money to charity or want another speedboat, buy why would you agree to put on a stupid nose every morning Jon? Why? It makes no sense. And can we stop forcing real elephants to do stupid circus tricks in movies? For Christ’s sake, leave them alone. It’s depressing. BFF! (IMDb)

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: Start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie.

Movie Commentaries

Commentary #22 – Road House (1989)

Audio 8 Comments
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Swayze. Elliott. Boobs. Few words encompass the greatness that is American cinema more than these, and few films possess all three qualities at once. Road House is such a film. Join the Film Pigs as they relive the wonder of a late 80s action masterpiece, complete with all the mullets and pleated pants one could want. Marvel as they give voice to their shared crush on the ultimate man that is Sam Elliott. And, as always, please enjoy the boobs. (IMDb)

SPECIAL NOTE: Please forgive the minor distortion in the recording. Sam Elliott’s mustache simply overpowered our weak, mama’s boy microphone. We are rightfully shamed. Please forgive us Sam!

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: Start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie.

Movie Commentaries

Commentary #21 – Disturbia (2007)

Audio 1 Comment
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The Film Pigs just can’t get enough of that charming Shia LaBeouf! This time he stars as an impulse-control challenged and slightly pervy teenager under house arrest in this modern take on Hitchcock’s classic Rear Window. Major difference: Disturbia has a flaming bag of dogshit that is noticeably absent from Hitchcock’s version. Not that you should read anything into that. Also, Grace Kelly has been replaced by a skinny teenage girl and an iPod. David Morse is, as always, extremely menacing. He frightens us. Somebody make him leave Shia and Dr. House alone. (IMDb)

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: Start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie.

Movie Commentaries

Commentary #20 – Christmas Fireplace (2007)

Audio 2 Comments
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The Film Pigs spread holiday cheer with this very special DVD commentary. Snatched up in the festive shopping madness at Burbank’s finest Kmart, marvel as the Pigs learn the true meaning of the holidays while they triple-fist booze and make inappropriate remarks about Famke Janssen. Truly, a Christmas miracle! Asbestos cookies! (IMDb)

SPECIAL NOTE: Instructions for syncing playback to this commentary are included during the recording. Everybody try not to swarm Kmart all at once.

Movie Commentaries

Commentary #19 – Transformers (2007)

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Normally this would be where we make fun of the movie’s tagline – something like “Transformers: Their War. Our World. Complete Waste Of Your Time.” – but holy f*ck, this thing is so dull it saps strength even after its running time concludes. Somehow, a movie has been made about giant robots covered in sharp spinning objects that turn into cars and jets and back into robots while they’re fighting that’s about as compelling as changing your cell phone’s battery. It’s the mechanical-man-in-conflict version of Paul Haggis’ “Crash” – but with more believable commentary on race relations and road safety. Michael Bay has finally succeeded in stripping the very last shred of humanity from his films, perhaps hoping that his robotic overlords will finally let him leave planet earth. Which, apparently, is a pretty cool place to “kick it.” (IMDb)

BONUS: For the first time ever, the Film Pigs screw up the DVD playback and ruin the commentary!

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie (chapter 1 for DVD/BD).