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Movie Commentaries

Commentary #30 – Law Abiding Citizen (2009)

Audio 5 Comments
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Law Abiding Citizen is a movie so engaging, so socially relevant, and so masterful in its execution that Todd had to buy the Unrated Director’s Cut Blu-Ray edition so he could see it in all its pristine glory FOR THE THIRD TIME. Todd has a terrible problem, but we’re not sure the Pasadena Recovery Center has a program for people who are compelled to buy every single plastic and metal disc that contains moving pictures.

The best thing about LAC is that it is composed mostly of long, boring scenes of people talking which get interrupted once in a while by scenes of terrible violence and/or gore. The director’s cut shows way more gore than the theatrical release (steak bone, I’m looking in your direction). Plus, you get to play an interesting thought experiment where you try to explain why Gerard Butler keeps getting to make high-profile studio pictures when they do nothing but bomb (Answer: he’s pretty).

NOTE: This Film Pigs commentary is for the “Unrated Director’s Cut” on the 2-disc Blu-Ray and not the theatrical release. We felt it was important to force ourselves to sit through the director’s true vision.

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: Start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie.

Movie Commentaries

Commentary #29 – G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra (2009)

Audio 7 Comments
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A new decade brings forth new life challenges. For the Film Pigs, this means sitting through the stupidest movie from the previous decade. It’s hard to quantify just how monumentally stupid G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra is, but with a running time of two hours, there’s plenty of time to try.

Based on the 1980s toy line (much like the other wildly expensive and brain damaging Transformers franchise), G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra tells the story of a bunch of assholes with a shitload of corporate money who want to take over the world for no discernible reason and the bunch of assholes with a shitload of government money who want to stop them. There are also nanobots.

The worst part of G.I. Joe is how forgettable it is, even during the viewing. Fun drinking game: every time Falk asks any variation of “Wait…is that Sienna Miller?” take a drink.

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: Start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie.

Movie Commentaries

Commentary #28 – Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)

Audio 14 Comments

poster_silentnightdeadlynightIt’s a Christmas Miracle! The Film Pigs return to make everyone’s holiday season a little brighter. And what better way to celebrate the Christian / Jewish / Muslim / Pagan / Pastafarian season than with a movie about a homicidal Santa Claus? Answer: THERE IS NO BETTER WAY!

Silent Night, Deadly Night takes us back to a simpler time, when ghostbusting was king and traversing the space-time continuum in modified DeLoreans was commonplace. In the early 80s, no one thought twice about a dusty old nun whipping two naked teenagers with a leather belt, or of wearing cheap sweaters with no undershirts or bras. We were too busy fighting Communism when, in retrospect, we should have been paying more attention to drunken, murderous Santa Clauses. Happy holidays!

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: Start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie.

Movie Commentaries

Commentary #27 – Twilight (2008)

Audio 14 Comments
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You missed it. You demanded it. And now you have it: the first Film Pigs commentary in almost a year! Who would have thought it was possible to procrastinate so long on a money-losing hobby?

If you love dull, corporate movie adaptations of dull, corporate novels for teen girls then have we got a treat for you! Twilight, the blockbuster adaptation of the bestselling novel series, brings us the story of Bella, a pale girl who is not even slightly interesting and Edward, her vampire boyfriend who glows like David Bowie in the sunlight and has a severe allergic reaction to Bella’s pungent vagina. Additionally, they both have ludicrously manicured and highly distracting eyebrows.

Dull, inoffensive teen angst is the best you can hope for these days. It’s almost like movies are being made by marketing committees that are only concerned about how much money they can make. It’s weird. At the risk of sounding old (which isn’t a risk at all, the Film Pigs ARE old), when you put Twilight next to the teen angst vampire movie of our generation, The Lost Boys (1987), there really is no comparison. Jason Patric would kick Robert Pattinson’s ass any day of the week. And his eyebrows are dreamier.

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: Start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie.

Movie Commentaries

Commentary #26 – P2 (2007)

Audio 8 Comments
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Happy holidays Film Pigs fans! In keeping with our marginally adhered to tradition of Christmastime-themed commentaries for the season, we bring you P2. It’s a story of thrills, survival and impossibly perky cleavage.

Set in a strange, alternate-reality New York City where the streets are barren after 6pm and people actually apologize for acting like assholes at the Christmas party (translation: Toronto), P2 tells the cautionary tale of why you should never be trapped in a Canadian parking garage with a psychotic killer during the holiday season. But if you are, for God’s sake just have dinner with the guy. ‘Tis the season! (IMDb)

Here are some highlights:

  • Silly Elvis Impersonation By Crazy Man: 1
  • Amazingly Graphic Crushed To Death By Car Scene: 1
  • Stupidly Watertight Elevator: 1
  • Dog Stabbing: 1
  • Rolls Of Boob Tape: 4,017

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: Start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie.

Movie Commentaries

Commentary #25 – The Happening (2008)

Audio 12 Comments
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M. Night Shyamalan’s first R-rated movie! M. Night Shyamalan’s first R-rated movie! Those were the words that sent people to theaters in – what’s the opposite of “droves” – to experience some stupid thing about angry plants making people walk backwards before killing themselves. And Marky Mark as a science teacher. We know he’s smart because M. Knight makes him wear an awkward sweater vest.

Finally crossing the line into Ed Wood territory, Shyamalan actually expects the audience to feel fear and tension when he stages his characters running away from light breezes. Oh, and instead of a stupid twist ending, the ending is just stupid. In the end, The Happening has all the terror and gravity of a fabric softener commercial AND a criminally underused Alan Ruck. We love Alan Ruck. (IMDb)

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: Start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie.