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Movie Commentaries

Commentary #36 – Retardead (2008)

Audio 4 Comments
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The second in our Holiday Season 2010 double-feature, Retardead is a more-or-less sequel to Monsturd. The mad scientist who created the poo creature from the first movie is back, this time injecting mentally challenged people with a serum that eventually turns them into zombies. Again, as far as gross/offensive premises are concerned, this is right on the money.

Unfortunately, the same issues from Monsturd remain: the ultra-low budget home movie style is made unwatchable by the entire production winking at the audience and itself in every scene. Retardead is also longer than Monsturd, which doesn’t help. The Film Pigs were pretty cranky by this point and in a much less forgiving mood. Which is the exact opposite of how you’re supposed to behave during the holidays. Maybe we ate too much Monkey Bread.

NETFLIX ALERT!

This commentary was recorded while watching Retardead on Netflix. All instructions for syncing to the movie are in the commentary, so give a listen and follow the crystal clear steps for maximum holiday cheer.

Movie Commentaries

Commentary #35 – Monsturd (2003)

Audio 8 Comments
DVD wrap.eps

The Good News: In the spirit of the holiday season, the Film Pigs bring you TWO commentaries! Overcome with the joy and love that accompanies the annual celebration of rampant consumerism (and Jesus!), we felt the need to give something back out of the simple kindness of our hearts.

The Bad News: The two movies we watched are terrible and we’re complete assholes about both of them.

Monsturd tells the tale of an escaped convict who gets covered in mad scientist goo that turns him into a giant dookie creature. Okay, fine. We were on board with the premise. The problem is that both of these movies (Monsturd and its sequel, RetarDEAD) are essentially home movies that are a little too pleased with themselves to be much fun for the audience. Kind of like Film Pigs commentaries.

Also give a listen to our commentary for RetarDEAD!

NETFLIX ALERT!

This commentary was recorded while watching Monsturd on Netflix. As this is a first for the Film Pigs, there is a different procedure for syncing the commentary to the movie. All instructions are in the commentary, so give a listen and follow the crystal clear steps for maximum holiday cheer.

Movie Commentaries

Commentary #34 – The Animal Room (1995)

Audio 5 Comments
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In 1995, a terrifying vision of a possible dystopian future was unleashed into cinemas (or, more likely, a limited number of  Blockbuster Video stores). In this impossible-to-imagine yet almost-frighteningly-real world, troublesome students who can’t decide whether they want to be moody goths or lunkheaded stoners are banished to the Animal Room; where they are allowed to be total dicks to Neil Patrick Harris. Because that will rehabilitate them. Or something. Any way you look at it, Matthew Lillard is all up in NPH’s grill.

What makes this movie so special is the presence of a fresh-faced Gabriel Olds as NPH’s only friend. This is important as Mr. Olds is a close personal friend of the Film Pigs and has joined this commentary for a behind-the-scenes look at the making of this psychological thriller. Except that he can’t remember much and mostly just eats snacks while we make fun of his hair.

Don’t be tardy to the party.

NOTE: The Animal Room is currently available on Netflix Watch Instantly for those of you in the U.S. and possibly Canada.

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie (chapter 1 for DVD/BD).

Movie Commentaries

Commentary #33 – The Wolfman (2010)

Audio 12 Comments
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Good Lord, where to start on this one? The Wolfman is a big-budget remake of a classic horror film that incorporates all of the slow, clunky nonsense of the original and adds a tired Anthony Hopkins, a strangely non-compelling Benicio Del Toro, that computer-elf guy from them nerd movies, and Emily Blunt’s sideboob. The end result is not quite the “magic” you’d expect.

The most fascinating part of The Wolfman, if you can manage to keep yourself awake by repeatedly stabbing yourself in the thigh with an icepick, is Del Toro’s crazy choice of acting like he’s covered in syrup. Syrup that’s laced with horse tranquilizers. He buries his normal high-intensity so deeply, that when he finally turns into the wolfman…well, you’ve already fallen asleep and will miss all the Act III gore.

IMPORTANT NOTE: The Film Pigs watched the Unrated Director’s Cut from the Blu-ray disc for this commentary. No, we don’t know why.

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: Start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie.

Movie Commentaries

Commentary #32 – The Core (2003)

Audio 14 Comments
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There’s nothing more refreshing than a big Hollywood movie with a plot based on sound science. Since those don’t exist, the Film Pigs watched The Core instead. We’re not sure what was more astounding: the Space Shuttle crash landing in the LA river (which could TOTALLY happen), the amount of people per square mile that have pacemakers, or Stanley Tucci’s wig.

None of the clearly well-researched science in this movie would be believable if Aaron Eckhart hadn’t been sporting the frosted surfer-boy locks that were so common among scientists of the early 2000s. And who knew The Next Karate Kid could pilot a train with a laser on front straight into the earth?

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: Start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie.

Movie Commentaries

Commentary #31 – Hellbound (1994)

Audio 3 Comments
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Have you ever wanted to listen to a commentary for a movie where Chuck Norris plays an on-the-edge Chicago cop who wanders around Israel looking for a demon who looks a lot like, but isn’t, Michael Ironside so he can stab him with a magical staff topped with a baked potato after defeating him with karate? If the answer is yes, you’re in for a treat!

In Hellbound, Chuck Norris is electrifying as Sgt. Shatter, a tough-as-nails pimp-slapping Chicago detective who gets caught up in an ancient battle between good and evil. Because a demon throws a prostitute out a window and onto the hood of his car. Because demons have a terrible problem keeping a low profile while waiting for their plans of hell on earth to come together. Which is why you can vanquish them with karate. In Israel. This movie makes no sense.

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: Start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie.