Tag Archives: Action

Movie Commentaries

Commentary #29 – G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra (2009)

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poster_gijoe

A new decade brings forth new life challenges. For the Film Pigs, this means sitting through the stupidest movie from the previous decade. It’s hard to quantify just how monumentally stupid G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra is, but with a running time of two hours, there’s plenty of time to try.

Based on the 1980s toy line (much like the other wildly expensive and brain damaging Transformers franchise), G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra tells the story of a bunch of assholes with a shitload of corporate money who want to take over the world for no discernible reason and the bunch of assholes with a shitload of government money who want to stop them. There are also nanobots.

The worst part of G.I. Joe is how forgettable it is, even during the viewing. Fun drinking game: every time Falk asks any variation of “Wait…is that Sienna Miller?” take a drink.

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: Start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie.

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Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #4: Gamer

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What it says on the back of the DVD:

Gerard Butler (300, RocknRolla) stars as Kable, condemned criminal and globally famous super-soldier in the ultimate multiplayer game, “Slayers.” Human controllers direct each though and move of real-life prison inmates battling in hyper-intense environments–where the goal is freedom and the penalty is death. But when Kable suddenly decides he wants out, his rebellion threates the twisted plans of game creator Ken Castle (Michael C. Hall, TV’s “Dexter”), who will stop at nothing to crush the renegade commando in this taut, adrenaline-packed action-thriller. Continue reading Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #4: Gamer →

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Straight-to-DVD Corner with Tonn Slingdog: Alien Raiders

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Okay, for Christmas this year I’ve found a little alien creature feature that should satiate anyone like me who has an undending hunger for this particular subgenre.  And yes, the movie’s concept is as generic as the title, and it adds nothing new to all the stories it rips off.  However, its producers and director clearly understood the limits of their budget and managed to pull off a totally entertaining little B-picture that looks pretty good and is well acted. Continue reading Straight-to-DVD Corner with Tonn Slingdog: Alien Raiders →

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STILL Better Than Terminator Salvation

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Before the blogosphere explodes in the age-old argument of which movie is worse, Terminator 3 or Terminator Salvation, let me state for the record that I think both movies are bad. However, Terminator 3 is watchable-bad (with some highly destructive stunts using real honest-to-God vehicles and a pretty well done bleak ending) while Terminator Salvation is an unwatchable mess full of nonsense CGI and a script with two A stories fighting each other for the chance to bore you to death.

That being said, I think Mostow made the right call in deleting the above scene from the final cut. It made me laugh while at the same time caused a sharp, stabbing pain in my brain.