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Seagal Sexual Harassment Case Dismissed – Too Many Puns!

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A sexual harassment case made against actor Steven Seagal, whose credits include Under Siege and Flight of Fury, have been dropped. (via BBC)

One could say that Steven is Above The Law now that he is no longer Under Siege from his former assistant who was Out For Justice after accusing him of unwelcome advances toward her Fire Down Below.  Clearly, this was an Executive Decision to save everyone the Exit Wounds of a public trial. We have truly avoided a Black Dawn. Hopefully, no one involved will feel the need to seek Urban Justice. I’d hate to see anyone Pistol Whipped On Deadly Ground until they were Half Past Dead.

Movie Commentaries

Commentary #31 – Hellbound (1994)

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Have you ever wanted to listen to a commentary for a movie where Chuck Norris plays an on-the-edge Chicago cop who wanders around Israel looking for a demon who looks a lot like, but isn’t, Michael Ironside so he can stab him with a magical staff topped with a baked potato after defeating him with karate? If the answer is yes, you’re in for a treat!

In Hellbound, Chuck Norris is electrifying as Sgt. Shatter, a tough-as-nails pimp-slapping Chicago detective who gets caught up in an ancient battle between good and evil. Because a demon throws a prostitute out a window and onto the hood of his car. Because demons have a terrible problem keeping a low profile while waiting for their plans of hell on earth to come together. Which is why you can vanquish them with karate. In Israel. This movie makes no sense.

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: Start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie.

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Straight-to-DVD Corner with Tonn Slingdog: Superman Batman Public Enemies

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Let me preface this by assuring you that while I am indeed a total nerd, I am not a comic book person. I never got into them as a kid, and I don’t look at them now (except for MAD, which I still enjoy glancing at from time to time.) I have never been much of a superhero guy either, and I only wind up at the blockbuster comic book movies because I like watching things get wrecked, even if it is clearly a cartoon. Now, my son is four and he loves Superman. My wife was at Target with him, and he found a couple of Superman DVD’s that were on sale. She neglected to check the rating, which was PG-13, assuming that because it was a cartoon it was meant for kids. But it wasn’t. My son found it too intense, and my wife was mortified…and I was in love. I immediately sent them out of the room and engulfed myself in the inappropriate magic! If the live-action stuff were this much fun, I’d be much happier at the multiplexes. Continue reading Straight-to-DVD Corner with Tonn Slingdog: Superman Batman Public Enemies →

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Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #8: XXX

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What it says on the box:

Xander Cage (Vin Diesel) is a notorious underground thrill-seeker who, until now, has been deemed untouchable by the law. But when crack NSA Agent Gibbons convinces Cage to infiltrate a ruthless Russian crime ring, this new breed of secret agent (code name: XXX) takes down the enemies of justice with a vengeance in this high-octane, turbo-charged thrill ride from the acclaimed director of The Fast and the Furious.

What it should say:

Xander Cage (Vin Diesel, a man named after an internal combustion engine) is notorious for referring to himself in the third-person in interviews, and here he plays a character who does the same thing. Continue reading Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #8: XXX →