Movie Commentaries

Commentary #13 – Silent Hill (2006)

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What Halloween would be complete without an awkward video-game-to-movie translation? Watch in horror as a concerned mother deals with her child’s terrible nightmares about a town called “Silent Hill” by putting her daughter in the car and maniacally crashing it into a town called “Silent Hill.” For some reason, this makes the child run away from her mother, seeking comfort from the town’s compliment of shambling ash babies. 2 hour movie. 20 minute expository ending. 5 minutes of good gore. 1 Strippercop. PLUS, guest commentator Pamela Ribon delays a very important phone call to join us in anticipation of Scary Cakes! (IMDb)

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: Start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie.

Movie Commentaries

Commentary #12 – Hostel (2005)

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Ah, scenic Europe. The Old World charm, the cultural sophistication, the endless barrage of titty and gore. Truly, this is a Very Important Movie with a Timeless Message. That message: everyone in Europe wants to brutally murder anybody under 30 who’s wearing a backpack. They’re especially interested in poorly drawn characters of 2-dimensions or less who have wasted about 40 minutes on “character development” (meaning, lots of ‘what the?’ reactions to bare breasts and calling everything else ‘gay’) before the first drop of blood is seen. (IMDb)

SPECIAL NOTE: This commentary is for the Unrated Widescreen Cut DVD. According to the DVD jacket – “SickER and MORE Twisted Unrated”. TV’s Daniel Blau guest-comments and enjoys pizza rolls fresh from the oven!

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: Start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie.

Movie Commentaries

Commentary #11 – Brokeback Mountain (2005)

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No pun intended, but being a gay cowboy is really hard. Especially when you’ve only got a couple of camping trips to try and generate some kind of meaningful relationship with a guy who mumbles worse than Brando. Seriously, can anybody understand what the hell Heath Ledger is saying? Was it just a big misunderstanding? Did he really only want Jake Gyllenhaal’s dry cleaning? And where the hell was the posse? We thought this was a western. Even a gay western should have a posse. (IMDb)

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: Start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie.

Movie Commentaries

Commentary #10 – Crash (2004)

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To call this movie ham-fisted would be an insult to the depth and subtlety you get from ham-fistedness. From its opening scene, Crash blunders through an endless series of tired racial stereotypes and preachy clichés, ultimately concluding that everyone on Earth is not only racist but also an incompetent motorist. Best Picture 2006? What the fuck, America? (IMDb)

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: Start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie.