My friend told me she fell asleep during Hellboy II which led me to believe I’d hate it, too, but I went anyway because that’s just how much I like Ron Perlman. I was pleasantly surprised to find I was actually entertained by the CGI heavy picture show. I wondered why it was my friend fell asleep. Then I remembered that she had gotten a kick out of Iron Man and that one put me to sleep. Both movies lean on cartoons and loud noises to deliver their thrills. And even though I was amused by Hellboy II I can’t say I was so swept up by the action that I forgot where I was. I was very aware that I was a watching a big, silly summer movie the entire time I was watching it. So, why didn’t it put me to sleep? Well, I think it just boils down to a taste thing. While most of America seems to get off on watching a rich dude building a metal suit, I prefer watching monsters beating up other monsters. In the end, it’s all the cinematic equivelant of a cheap beer buzz. Sometimes you’re in the mood for cheap beer and you have a laugh, other times it just makes you tired as hell. Continue reading Pick Your Computer Generated Poison
An Open Love Letter To Pete and Laxdude
Dearest Pete and Laxdude,
Forgive the time it’s taken me to write this heartfelt love letter that Stephen Falk promised I would write to anyone who watched all of Bratz (right after he threw a tantrum that would have embarrassed my actual two-year-old.) I have been quite busy not making any money.
It’s Pigs fans like you that make it all worthwhile. Pete, your dedication to listening to our drunken ramblings during mostly horrid picture shows warms my cockles. (Not a dirty word. Look it up. Freak.) And Laxdude, your love of pie and the guy who played the station manager in the indie feature Buttleman along with your dislike of Lunchables makes us kindred spirits (although I find all three forms of Battlestar Galactica’s incredibly long stretches without space battles eternally frustrating, I have no idea what the difference is between union and league rugby, and I find it disconcerting that you paid money to see Hot Rod. But, still. Kindred spirits.) Continue reading An Open Love Letter To Pete and Laxdude
Review – The Incredible Hulk (2008)
Commentary #23 – Bratz (2007)
It started out as a simple joke. A ribald suggestion that three grown men sit through a movie clearly assembled by soulless corporate executives for tween girls and their sexually frustrated fathers. What followed was an hour and forty minutes of Technicolor horror brighter than the light of a thousand exploding suns. Plus, Jon Voight in a prosthetic nose. For no reason! No reason! It’s understandable doing some marketing-driven junk movie if you’re donating the money to charity or want another speedboat, buy why would you agree to put on a stupid nose every morning Jon? Why? It makes no sense. And can we stop forcing real elephants to do stupid circus tricks in movies? For Christ’s sake, leave them alone. It’s depressing. BFF! (IMDb)
TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: Start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: The Abridged Script
SHIA LEBEOUF flies up into the FUCKING JUNGLE and swings like FUCKING TARZAN along the FUCKING VINES with a FUCKING ARMY of CGI FUCKING MONKEYS. That actually FUCKING HAPPENS.
This is pretty great.