Straight-to-DVD Corner with Todd: Dorff Botches It

Yes, that’s right, I’m talking about a movie starring Stephen Dorff.  It’s fantastically gory and funny.  And the title is to die for: Botched.  Of course, for the most part the picture has received bad online reviews, and the title has been used against itself.  But you know what?  Anyone expecting more than what this is from a DVD premiere movie is kind of an asshole.  Continue reading Straight-to-DVD Corner with Todd: Dorff Botches It

Straight-to-DVD Corner with Todd: Killer Croc Movies

There was once a place called a grindhouse where one could go to watch “B” movies.  Ever since Hollywood co-opted the “B” movie and renamed it “the summer tent pole” movie, the grindhouse has moved into the living room.  That’s right, the only place to check out truly fun, low budget grindhouse movies is on your DVD player (and no, the Tarantino/Rodgriquez effort wasn’t true grindhouse fare, there was simply too much money involved.)  So, as a lover of trash cinema, I wind up watching a shitload of straight-to-DVD movies.  Most of them are unwatchable “DIY” features shot on home video cameras by amateurs who have no idea how to turn a shoestring budget into an entertaining story (and they also have no idea what it means to show instead of tell as these movies generally feature terrible and unattractive actors explaining to each other about what is happening/going to happen while the hapless audience slowly sinks into their throw pillows praying for a quick and painless end.)  Continue reading Straight-to-DVD Corner with Todd: Killer Croc Movies

Commentary #24 – 10,000 BC (2008)

poster_10000bc

At the dawn of human civilization, there was this guy who hunted giant cartoon mastodons, was chased by prehistoric man-eating ostriches, and totally fucked up this pyramid. He did this because some other guys kidnapped his girlfriend…and the guy who owned the pyramid made everybody think he was a god or something…a disembodied Omar Sharif kept talking every now and then…

Okay, this movie is stupid, even for a premise that abandons at the first frame any thought of possibly trying to be somewhat in the neighborhood of historically accurate. Even worse, it is boring. Mind-numbingly boring. Somehow, a movie that has computer generated mastodons, saber-toothed tigers, and killer ostriches is so dull it makes you pine for an auto accident-induced coma. Who would have figured that the creative genius behind Independence Day and Eight Legged Freaks was Dean Devlin? For shame, Roland Emmerich. For shame. (IMDb)

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: Start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie.