Category Archives: Movie Commentaries

It’s like having the three people who won’t leave your party decide to watch your entire movie collection and scream at the television.

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: start commentary 10 seconds after starting movie (chapter 1 for DVD/BD).

Movie Commentaries

Commentary #34 – The Animal Room (1995)

Audio 5 Comments
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In 1995, a terrifying vision of a possible dystopian future was unleashed into cinemas (or, more likely, a limited number of  Blockbuster Video stores). In this impossible-to-imagine yet almost-frighteningly-real world, troublesome students who can’t decide whether they want to be moody goths or lunkheaded stoners are banished to the Animal Room; where they are allowed to be total dicks to Neil Patrick Harris. Because that will rehabilitate them. Or something. Any way you look at it, Matthew Lillard is all up in NPH’s grill.

What makes this movie so special is the presence of a fresh-faced Gabriel Olds as NPH’s only friend. This is important as Mr. Olds is a close personal friend of the Film Pigs and has joined this commentary for a behind-the-scenes look at the making of this psychological thriller. Except that he can’t remember much and mostly just eats snacks while we make fun of his hair.

Don’t be tardy to the party.

NOTE: The Animal Room is currently available on Netflix Watch Instantly for those of you in the U.S. and possibly Canada.

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie (chapter 1 for DVD/BD).

Movie Commentaries

Commentary #33 – The Wolfman (2010)

Audio 12 Comments
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Good Lord, where to start on this one? The Wolfman is a big-budget remake of a classic horror film that incorporates all of the slow, clunky nonsense of the original and adds a tired Anthony Hopkins, a strangely non-compelling Benicio Del Toro, that computer-elf guy from them nerd movies, and Emily Blunt’s sideboob. The end result is not quite the “magic” you’d expect.

The most fascinating part of The Wolfman, if you can manage to keep yourself awake by repeatedly stabbing yourself in the thigh with an icepick, is Del Toro’s crazy choice of acting like he’s covered in syrup. Syrup that’s laced with horse tranquilizers. He buries his normal high-intensity so deeply, that when he finally turns into the wolfman…well, you’ve already fallen asleep and will miss all the Act III gore.

IMPORTANT NOTE: The Film Pigs watched the Unrated Director’s Cut from the Blu-ray disc for this commentary. No, we don’t know why.

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: Start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie.

Movie Commentaries

Commentary #32 – The Core (2003)

Audio 14 Comments
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There’s nothing more refreshing than a big Hollywood movie with a plot based on sound science. Since those don’t exist, the Film Pigs watched The Core instead. We’re not sure what was more astounding: the Space Shuttle crash landing in the LA river (which could TOTALLY happen), the amount of people per square mile that have pacemakers, or Stanley Tucci’s wig.

None of the clearly well-researched science in this movie would be believable if Aaron Eckhart hadn’t been sporting the frosted surfer-boy locks that were so common among scientists of the early 2000s. And who knew The Next Karate Kid could pilot a train with a laser on front straight into the earth?

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: Start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie.

Movie Commentaries

Commentary #31 – Hellbound (1994)

Audio 3 Comments
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Have you ever wanted to listen to a commentary for a movie where Chuck Norris plays an on-the-edge Chicago cop who wanders around Israel looking for a demon who looks a lot like, but isn’t, Michael Ironside so he can stab him with a magical staff topped with a baked potato after defeating him with karate? If the answer is yes, you’re in for a treat!

In Hellbound, Chuck Norris is electrifying as Sgt. Shatter, a tough-as-nails pimp-slapping Chicago detective who gets caught up in an ancient battle between good and evil. Because a demon throws a prostitute out a window and onto the hood of his car. Because demons have a terrible problem keeping a low profile while waiting for their plans of hell on earth to come together. Which is why you can vanquish them with karate. In Israel. This movie makes no sense.

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: Start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie.

Movie Commentaries

Commentary #30 – Law Abiding Citizen (2009)

Audio 5 Comments
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Law Abiding Citizen is a movie so engaging, so socially relevant, and so masterful in its execution that Todd had to buy the Unrated Director’s Cut Blu-Ray edition so he could see it in all its pristine glory FOR THE THIRD TIME. Todd has a terrible problem, but we’re not sure the Pasadena Recovery Center has a program for people who are compelled to buy every single plastic and metal disc that contains moving pictures.

The best thing about LAC is that it is composed mostly of long, boring scenes of people talking which get interrupted once in a while by scenes of terrible violence and/or gore. The director’s cut shows way more gore than the theatrical release (steak bone, I’m looking in your direction). Plus, you get to play an interesting thought experiment where you try to explain why Gerard Butler keeps getting to make high-profile studio pictures when they do nothing but bomb (Answer: he’s pretty).

NOTE: This Film Pigs commentary is for the “Unrated Director’s Cut” on the 2-disc Blu-Ray and not the theatrical release. We felt it was important to force ourselves to sit through the director’s true vision.

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: Start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie.

Movie Commentaries

Commentary #29 – G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra (2009)

Audio 7 Comments
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A new decade brings forth new life challenges. For the Film Pigs, this means sitting through the stupidest movie from the previous decade. It’s hard to quantify just how monumentally stupid G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra is, but with a running time of two hours, there’s plenty of time to try.

Based on the 1980s toy line (much like the other wildly expensive and brain damaging Transformers franchise), G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra tells the story of a bunch of assholes with a shitload of corporate money who want to take over the world for no discernible reason and the bunch of assholes with a shitload of government money who want to stop them. There are also nanobots.

The worst part of G.I. Joe is how forgettable it is, even during the viewing. Fun drinking game: every time Falk asks any variation of “Wait…is that Sienna Miller?” take a drink.

TO SYNC WITH MOVIE: Start this commentary 10 seconds after starting movie.