All posts by Todd

Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #3: Whiteout

What it says on the back of the DVD packaging:

Underworld‘s Kate Beckinsale plays a U.S. Marshal based at an Antarctic research station, where the continent’s first-ever murder triggers a shocking mystery she must race to solve before being stranded with six months of winter darkness–and a killer–closing in. Dominic Sena (Swordfish) directs a talented cast including Gabriel Macht, Tom Skerritt and Alex O’Loughlin in Dark Castle Entertainments’s action-packed thriller. Continue reading Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #3: Whiteout

Straight-to-DVD Corner with Tonn Slingdog: Alien Raiders

Okay, for Christmas this year I’ve found a little alien creature feature that should satiate anyone like me who has an undending hunger for this particular subgenre.  And yes, the movie’s concept is as generic as the title, and it adds nothing new to all the stories it rips off.  However, its producers and director clearly understood the limits of their budget and managed to pull off a totally entertaining little B-picture that looks pretty good and is well acted. Continue reading Straight-to-DVD Corner with Tonn Slingdog: Alien Raiders

Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #2: Syriana

What the back of the DVD says:

Big oil means big money.  Very big money. And that fact unleashes corruption that stretches from Houston to Washington to the Mideast – and ensnares industrialists, princes, spies, politicos, oilfield laborers and terrorists in a deadly, deceptive web of move and countermove.

Continue reading Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #2: Syriana

Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #1: Max Payne

What it says on the back of the DVD:

  • Mark Wahlberg delivers an explosive performance in this action-packed thriller based on the legendary, hard-hitting video game.
  • Max Payne (Wahlberg) is a maverick cop with little regard for rules and nothing left to lose. Hell-bent on revenge, he’s determined to track down those responsible for the brutal murder of his family, but his obsessive investigation takes him on a nightmarish journey where dark fantasy collides with stark reality.
  • As the mystery deepens, Max is forced to battle enemies beyond the natural world…and face an unthinkable betrayal that will drive him to the edge of his own sanity.
  • This edition includes both the theatrical version and harder-hitting unrated extended cut of the film.

What it should read:

  • Mark Wahlberg delivers a lazy but adequate performance in this snow flurry-packed moving picture based on an all but forgotten video game.
  • Max Payne (Marky-Mark) is a cop cliche with little regard for rules, nothing left to lose, too close to the case, blah, blah, blah, cop, blah.  Contractually obligated to collect the paycheck, he makes one determined expression that doesn’t let up while he tracks down those responsible for the brutal murder of his underwritten family, but his color-by-numbers investigation takes him on a nightmarish journey where visuals that look like a sequel to Constantine collide with plot devices lifted from Jacob’s Ladder.
  • As the movie continues, Max is forced to battle enemies beyond the natural world, and by that we mean the computer generated world…and face an unthinkable betrayal (which you most likely will have thought about the minute you saw Beau Bridges for the first time) that will drive him to the edge of his own sanity but you still won’t see any difference in his expression.
  • This edition includes both the theatrical version and the unrated version which contains three more minutes that you won’t notice because the movie was shot to get the PG-13 rating and that’s all it will ever be.

Straight-to-DVD Corner with Tonn Slingdog: Happy Belated Halloween

I am pleased to report that I have unearthed another fun straight-to-video horror experience in Trick ‘r Treat, a feature that did well at fantasy film festivals all over the world, and then sat on a shelf for years waiting for a Halloween when the latest Saw did not rear its ugly head (I can only assume.)  It’s an anthology, easily the best of its kind since the orginal Creepshow, and features some pretty fantastic performances from a number of recognizable television faces and veteran character cats from the big screen, including a darkly hilarious turn from none other than Brian Cox (who is awesome because his last name is Cox.)  Continue reading Straight-to-DVD Corner with Tonn Slingdog: Happy Belated Halloween

Eli. Your notes.

A few people asked why I didn’t rant about Eli Roth’s performance in the new Tarantino picture.  I’d love to tell you that I wanted to focus all blame on the director, given that it was his self-indulgent casting choice that led to this serious blight on his own movie.  Unfortunately, that is only true in retrospect.  The truth is, I found the movie so mind-numbingly stuffed to the gills with self-indulgence on Q.T.’s part, that by the time I got out to the car I barely remembered Brad Pitt was in it, let alone anyone else. Continue reading Eli. Your notes.