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Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #6: John Carpenter’s The Thing (Blu-ray)

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What it says on the back of the plastic, environmentally irresponsible packaging:

Horror-meister John Carpenter (Halloween, Escape From New York) teams Kurt Russell’s outstanding performance with incredible visuals to build this chilling version of the classic The Thing. In the winter of 1982, a twelve-man research team at a remote Antartic research station discovers an alien buried in the snow for over 100,000 years. Once unfrozen, the form-changing alien wreaks havoc, creates terror, and becomes one of them.

What it should say: Continue reading Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #6: John Carpenter’s The Thing (Blu-ray) →

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Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #5: Hard Rain

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What it says on the back of the case:

Get swept up in the action as Morgan Freeman, Christian Slater, Randy Quaid and Minnie Driver race against time and the elements in this high-energy thrill ride where survival and money are at the core of it all. Continue reading Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #5: Hard Rain →

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Straight-to-DVD Corner with Tonn Slingdog: It’s So Disgusting!

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Okay, perhaps movies that seek purely to make you sick to your stomach are abusing our whole “right to free speech” thing, but dammit if I’m not happier than a pig in putrid, bloody, pus-filled dung that they are around.  This past weekend, I sat down with some friends to do a double feature of Eli Roth’s Cabin Fever and its DTV sequel, Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever.  To be honest, when I first saw Roth’s original in the theater I was disappointed…but I’ll give it this: it holds up.  I was still disappointed with it.  However, after you wade through an hour long swamp of underdeveloped characters yammering at each other, the last twenty minutes of the picture are a lot of fun.  Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever takes that last twenty minutes and turns into eighty minutes of pure disgustingness.  And this is a good thing. Continue reading Straight-to-DVD Corner with Tonn Slingdog: It’s So Disgusting! →

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Straight-to-DVD Corner with Tonn Slingdog: Wrong Turn 2

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I wasn’t a big fan of the original theatrical release, Wrong Turn. It was okay, I suppose, just a silly rip-off of Texas Chainsaw Massacre that was trying to be as disturbing as that classic, but the inbred mountain folk terrorizing the bland pretties had some rather silly looking prosthetic make-ups and made lots of noises that sounded like seventh-graders making fun of people with Down Syndrome.  Continue reading Straight-to-DVD Corner with Tonn Slingdog: Wrong Turn 2 →

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Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #4: Gamer

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What it says on the back of the DVD:

Gerard Butler (300, RocknRolla) stars as Kable, condemned criminal and globally famous super-soldier in the ultimate multiplayer game, “Slayers.” Human controllers direct each though and move of real-life prison inmates battling in hyper-intense environments–where the goal is freedom and the penalty is death. But when Kable suddenly decides he wants out, his rebellion threates the twisted plans of game creator Ken Castle (Michael C. Hall, TV’s “Dexter”), who will stop at nothing to crush the renegade commando in this taut, adrenaline-packed action-thriller. Continue reading Rewriting DVD Marketing Blurbs #4: Gamer →